Something

Everything

Anything!

Fear asks for nothing

Despair asks for something

Greed asks for everything

Folly asks for anything.

My crushed spirit asks for nothing

My withering dreams ask for something

My empty heart asks for everything

My lost soul asks for anything.

My happiness asks for nothing

My hope asks for something

My spirit asks for everything

My bravery asks for anything.

But nothing is nothing

Something’s too small

Everything’s too much to ask

And anything? Well, that’s just not special

Just incase you are not aware…. Kazungu is slang for English. Okay off we go with,

Smokey’s Smokes: Volume 3

“Your ipod phone”

Smokey: “Have you lit the joint?”      Sekitole: “No.”         Smokey: “Lit it.”

“I’ll drive the bicycle…”

“You think I wasn’t an illitriata major?”

“You didn’t froze.”

“I’m at the train station waiting for the bus.”

“What’s oyo’s sister’s name- the one who is going to marry Ghaddafi’s daughter?”

“He needs to work on body upper strength.”

“frashing”

“You did shoso science?”

“That’s what we have come to a conclusion.”

“stragedy”

“Tyra Blanks”

“Remember I even scored one between your leg.”

“What’s the going buying rate to buy a Nigerien girl?”

“I heard the smell of the food from outside.”

“We are going to Kasese islands…Oh what do they call them.”

“You are a dangerest.”

“In our school there is a chic from Soweto who is a Liberian.” (librarian)

“Why is the hockey ‘putt’ black?”

“I was playing the piano.” (ps3)

“Let me make a phone pole to Kampala.”

“Then there are those ones…they just got to ‘Canadia’.”

“boonet” (again…bonnet or boot?)

“One thousand ‘shusi’ islands”

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!

–Rudyard Kipling

“I’m officially ‘illitriate’.” (You definitely do sound ILLITERATE some days)

“You’re not going to smoke ‘sisha’?” (No thanks, No SHISHA for me.)

“I hope she’s not still under the ‘expression’ that there’s a party here.” (No but the impression- she’s still under that.)

“Have you ‘talken’ to her?” (Talken? I dunno… Spoken…No.)

“Deodriant”

Everyone asks: “Mandy, Who’s Mandy?”  Smokey: “Mandy, the dude.” (He’s called Mannie, dude.)

“I have info in different P.O. Boxes.” (Do you, now? Mail maybe?)

“It’s in the ‘boonet’.” (This is a trick. Boot or bonnet?)

“Martin, our song is ‘Stuck to you by Little Richie’.” (That’s messed up on so many levels, bro.)

“Angelina Jones” (She did one movie and now it’s her name?)

“Yo, you know a lot of us has names that start with ‘S’. Sekani, Sanka, Solo, Sibo, …..’Krishna’.”

“Get me a McWest with super fries.” (Can super fries fly?)

“Ask this guy. He knows ‘medicicone’.” (No, actually I don’t know what that is.)

“She poured beer on my Lacrosse shirt.” (La Coste)

Calling shotgun in the car, he said: “Gunshot.” Someone else called shotgun and he missed out.

Ordering a Shawarma: “Give me extra ‘Hamas’.” (Hamas, the rebel group or houmus, the sauce?)

“I think that’s the gayest thing- a man having sex with another man.” (You think?)

“You have to put it in ‘per-cifically’.” (specifically?)

“Death to i-tunes.” (autotune)

“Zuher” (I really dunno how but he was trying to say ‘WHALE”.)

“Seven PM in the morning”

“Look at this ‘spelamen’ here.” (specimen)

“Let me go put on my night gown.”

“I am giving you only two out of three ‘quilo’-sections of a second.” (One more time. How long?)

“Let me go get a shoe bok.” (shoe box)

“I’m going to go and make some baked beans with bread and watch it with Heroes.”

“He was in a ‘trial murder’.” (murder trial)

The lights started ‘frikering’.” (flickering)

“I started doing my Holy Mary- Our Father who art in Heaven…”

“That thing is very good eengheeneer -ing”

And to cap it off, would you believe it? Another series for us. Gotta love it! This time he just could never say ‘SUV’. Its funny though that more people than you think don’t know what it stands for. It means Sports Utility Vehicle. Needless to say after this, we’ll all know where Smokey lies. We proceed:

“U-V-C”

“U-C-V”

“C-U-V”

“S-V-C”

Watch out for Volume 3: Your boy’s on a roll! He jus’ keeps coming fresh with it!

Said I’m so real, My life’s a Statement

I’m so ill, This skill’s an Ailment

This ma meal, This ma Nourishment

This here space ma only Treatment

I’m the talent, I’m the Management

My pride my sole Encouragement

One Leader, no need for Parliament

Here I rule and there’s no Argument!

“Laundry ‘shop’” (soap)

“Sekani, You’re a ‘hottest’” (hostage)

“You know her uncle’s step-wife?” (Confusing, I know. Don’t even remember what he was trying to say.)

“We have to go and get a photocopy of the keys.“

“All the states-of-head” (really… heads-of-state?)

“She was being traumadic” (traumatic or dramatic? Beats me!)

“Dolly and Gabban” (Dolce and Gabbana)

“Look at that ‘David Harleyson’ bike” (Harley Davidson)

“sishu” (sushi)

“We’ll play mouse and cat and I’ll be the mouse.” (huh?)

“Derick Rice” (I think he meant LA Lakers’ point guard Derek Fisher)

“I’m going to ‘law’ the moan” (Mow the loan, he did.)

“My eyes are red-blood hot.” (Blood-shot red?…maybe smoke a bit less weed and you’ll get it right haha)

“Abba ripper X” (Abs Ripper X is an intense work out for the abba… err i mean abs.)

Buju: Is it cold outside?  Smokey: “Abit-ish”

Playing a FIFA Soccer 2010 : “I wanted to make an underground pass.”

Asked how much their rent is: “Five hundred per piece”

“I’m riding a book”

“You can have three slices of chicken wings.” (Hmmm I’m guessing the pizza had him confusing his measurement scales)

“I drank so much juice I might ‘pish passon’” (You might what??? Piss passion??)

“Tyce Mykon” (Mike Tyson perhaps?)

“Shaff’s Wike” (Shaq’s wife)

“Ray Charles should be the next Michael Jordan.” (Ummm he passed away R.I.P, plus he was blind. Oh, you meant Ray Allen.)

“My room had a full workout.” (make-over?)

“One of our Props.” (makes sense…. except he meant Professors aka Profs)

“So I took the movies to her…” (Also perfectly grammatically correct. Except that he took her to the cinema (movies) not vice-versa)

“Get me a ‘shawaima’ with ‘garlac’” (Shawarma with garlic)

“Where are theys?”

‘What stays in MTL, remains in MTL.” (Huh???)

“Hamsterdam” (The ‘H’ is silent, my friend…Oh what ‘H’?!)

At this point, I’m sure you are quite puzzled as to the mind that is a constant bottomless source of all these linguistic misdemeanors. Allow me to introduce the first of ‘Smokey’s series’. The Sofa 9-9-9 series. There is a place called ‘Sofa nine-nine-nine’ but he just could never get it right. his variations are the subject of the series.

“Super sofa ninety-nine”

“Sofa one thousand”

“Sofa nine-one-one” (call the cops why don’y you)

“Sofa Sofa nine-nine”

The second series is the ‘Wake and bake’ series. If you are unfamiliar with the term, it refers to the practice of smoking pot, weed, Mary-Jane, bud, marijuana, hash, bottom-line just smoking some Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) just after you get up in the morning, or afternoon.  It’s a wonder Smokey was already confused enough before the trees were burned. And I thought that was it. Well here goes:

“Bake and wake” (How can you possibly achieve this?)

“Wake and shake”

‘Shake and Bake” (Wow)

To finish it off. A mutual friend I will call ‘Island Bob’ submitted another defilement of the English language, this time his own. But he submitted it with a written apology stating that this mishap occurred at a Macdonald’s while he was making Smokey’s order and added that it was fully due to over-exposure to Smokey. Instead of asking the cashier to ‘super size his fries’ he quickly blurted out:

“Super fry my size”

That concludes Volume 1 of Smokey’s smokes. Watch out for Volume 2. I have spies out there, there will be more.

Emo_Love